The Books
The Loomis & Flark Tall-Tale Series: accidental history, told badly on purpose.
Book 1 · Out October 2, 2026
Loomis & Flark:
Legend of Devils Tower
Meet the odd-couple U.S. Army soldiers with no map, no training, and no clue what they're in for.
It's 1860, and Privates Andrew J. Loomis and Gary Flark are the worst soldiers at Fort New York. Loomis is a nervous intellectual desperate to impress his war-hero father. Flark is a carefree prankster who mostly wants lunch. They share a bunk, a long record of potato-peeling duty, and nothing else.
After one prank too many (not theirs, for once), the tyrannical Colonel Blanders hands them a mission straight from the top. Travel to the uncharted West. Find the mythical Devils Tower. Bring back the secret weapon said to be hidden there, in time for the Army's next battle. Refuse, or fail, and they face court-martial and life in prison.
Their map is blank from the Mississippi onward. Their ride abandons them half a day from home. Between them and Devils Tower stand a thousand miles of wilderness, a fur trapper with boundary issues, a village of dart-blowing hermits, a posse called the Black Rock Boyz (with a z), and something very large and very hairy in the woods.
Along the way, the two of them will stumble into a string of discoveries that history has been crediting to the wrong people ever since. We're not going to tell you what they are. Finding out is half the fun.
“I'll say it right now. This is an impossible mission.”
“That's what makes it fun!”Loomis and Flark, respectively
You'll like this if you like
- George MacDonald Fraser's Flashman, and heroes who succeed by failing in the right direction
- Christopher Moore's Lamb, Jonas Jonasson's The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared, or Adrian Bliss's The Greatest Nobodies of History
- Buddy comedies where the two leads should never have been put in the same room, let alone the same wilderness
- History, but only when it's wildly and deliberately wrong
Good to know: this is a tall tale. Every anachronism is on purpose. Expect slapstick peril, crude jokes, and some barracks language, the sort of thing a thirteen-year-old will love and quote at dinner.
Get your copy
Available on Amazon from October 2, 2026, in paperback, hardcover, and Kindle eBook.
- SeriesLoomis & Flark Tall-Tale Series, Book 1
- PublisherUnqualified Opinion Publishing
- Paperback ISBN978-1-0673678-3-1
- Hardcover ISBN978-1-0673678-5-5
- eBook ISBN978-1-0673678-4-8
- GenreHumorous historical fiction / satire
Book 2 · Coming early 2027
Journey to Gold Mountain
A secret military train. The entire gold reserve of the United States. A robbery in broad daylight.
Somebody has to go and get the nation's gold back. Unfortunately for the nation, it's going to be these two. The trail leads across wild rivers and deep into an abandoned mine that the locals swear is haunted, with a few familiar faces along the way, not all of them human.
Cover not final. The gold is still missing.
Book 3 · Coming mid 2027
Invade Canada!
Most people agree that Canada was founded in 1867. What they don't teach you in school is who was standing nearby at the time.
On the strength of some extremely flimsy intelligence, Loomis and Flark are ordered north to secure the border. Neither has ever left the country. Neither is entirely sure what's up there. It goes about as well as you'd expect, which is to say: historically.
Cover not final. Apologies in advance to Canada.
Don't miss Book 2
Join the list and you'll hear the moment the next one rides out. You'll also get all four Classified Files, free.